Astonishment and Thanks

First of all —

Um. Hi there.

I was planning on putting up my post-hospital blog this week but it felt weird posting again without acknowledging how utterly dumbstruck and appreciative of the response to my previous post I am.

Before last week my most popular post had received around a hundred views. Sitting on Windows more than tripled that number and a week later, I’m getting new views every day.

My main response to this has been ???????????????????????????

I have received dozens of comments, likes, and messages on Facebook supporting me and a little more surprisingly, supporting How to Cry in Public.

I started this blog primarily to try and organize my brain and calm my emotions down enough to make them a little more understandable. Then it became a way to force myself not only to address what was going on in my head, but to make it accessible to my friends and family.

Since last week I’ve received messages from close friends, people I’ve never met, people I haven’t talked to in years with support for me, thanks for writing the post, and appreciation of how I talk about mental health.

Apparently, my thoughts on myself, anxiety, depression, and suicidality are more accessible than I ever thought possible.

With last week’s response, my feelings on this blog have changed a bit.

I’m not going to change how I write or what I write about: this is still primarily a place for me to document, heal, and share myself. But I want to do more.

And so, I am going to make a valiant attempt to post once a week!

I figure I’ll stick with Wednesdays in honor of this being the first time I’ve posted two consecutive weeks in a row.

Additionally…I want to start taking questions, if there are any questions to be had. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert on mental health. I just know my own story. But with that said, I’ve been getting so many comments and questions this past week that I feel like there might be more things that people are wondering about that I could possibly answer.

Maybe there’s something I’ve mentioned that you would like explained more thoroughly. Maybe there’s something I haven’t touched on at all that you would like me to. Maybe you just want to share a little bit of your own story. Whichever way, I want to hear.

So! If you feel so moved, contact me in any way you feel comfortable! If we don’t know one another in real life, feel free to comment! I have to approve all comments before they’re posted, so if it’s something you don’t want made public, just say so and I will be the only one who sees it.

And with that, I will see y’all next week!

Notes from a panic attack

It’s hard to accept when you’re not okay.

You do things that have worked before, you convince yourself that you’re not slipping out, you spin and you spin and try to claw our way out until you’re blank and bleeding.

It’s hard to accept that you aren’t okay.

Being sick, being lost, being unable to connect with your surroundings, being unable to quite convince yourself that things are real, it’s terrifying. It’s fucking terrifying.

You’re not okay right now.

You’re not in control of this, and tonight, you can’t be.

You’re sick and you’re never going to be able to control your symptoms all the time.

There’s no use in railing against this any more than there’s use railing against any other chronic disease.

This won’t be forever.

There will be days when you feel better.

Those days may seem like moments but I promise, they are not.

The good days are as much a part of your life as the bad.

It’s hard to accept when you’re not okay.

And it’s even harder to remember that sometime soon, you will be.

Thoughts for 2015

I’m a sucker for new beginnings.

New Year’s is one of my favourite holidays. It’s the mother of all new beginnings, and to me, and many others I’m sure, it’s so much more than just another day.

As evidenced by the significant lack of posts on this blog for the past few months weeks, I’ve been having a hard time. In a previous post, The Fear, I talked about how I was slipping back into old habits, the routine panic attacks, the self-destructive thoughts about my worth as a person, and worst of all, the constant push away from the people who love me most. Unfortunately, this all continued pretty steadily until about three weeks ago.

Understandably, I was pretty excited when the big new beginning came around.

This particular New Year felt like a major turning point. It was the end of a year with a lot of joy and a whole lot more pain, strength, and growth than I expected. At the moment, I’ve been resting, relaxing, spending time with the people and the dog I love most, and setting realistic goals for myself, not for the next year, but for the next phase of my life.

And now, I get to move forward.

While I haven’t been writing on here, I have, mercifully, been writing. A lot of it is more emotional and private than I’m willing to share (and I’m saying this as the Queen of over-sharing private and emotional thoughts), but there are a few things I want to fix up and post.

I’ve decided to ignore the fact that I’m nearly two weeks into 2015, and will be doing a year-in-review post of 2014 at some point next week. One of my major goals for this year is to write more — poems, stories, journal entries, and you guessed it, blog posts. Anything goes, but I’m especially excited to devote more love to blogging, as it’s some of the most cathartic, empowering writing that I have at my disposal.

Happy 2015, everyone.